Post by Mansons2005 on Jun 7, 2013 3:01:16 GMT
Rules of Etiquette that have become as passé as I am!
Regarding the fairer, weaker, gentler sex:
Sure, a gentleman holds the door for a lady and allows her to proceed him EXCEPT!
When the room is dark, he goes first (not because she might get lost or stumble – but because of what MIGHT be happening in that dark room!)
When a revolving door is involved, he goes first to get things moving (the assumption being she is too fragile to push that heavy door!).
When entering an empty elevator he enters first, in theory giving her the option of waiting so she won’t be alone with him (who knows, he may be a “masher”)
When exiting a vehicle, he goes first to assist her in alighting (i.e. if there is heavy pedestrian traffic, HE gets knocked on his situpon first).
When walking on a sidewalk the gentleman always walks on her right and always walks closest to the curb (this can be tricky – you have to PLAN the route you take – it can involve crossing MANY corners)
You never call a lady by her given name until she gives you permission (relatives unto the 2nd degree are the exception).
One never, ever, EVER calls a lady by her given name in public (even your sister!). She is called Miss XXXX or Mrs. YYYY – The theory being that those with evil intentions would overhear and thus know her name (as if just knowing the surname would stymie them in tracking her down?)
If related to a lady with a title (Countess, Dame, etc.) you never refer to her by her title when speaking of her to others – use the Miss or Mrs. form (Lord knows that IF you are related to a titled lady, you don’t have to be a snob about it)
Yes, there was a reason for men to wear white gloves at formal dances – have you ever seen a young lady in a white silk dress with sweaty palm prints all over her back? Not Deb of the Year material…………
Of Buttons & Bows and Sartorial Splendor:
If you are on the street in a dinner jacket BEFORE 6:00 in the evening it is assumed that you are just coming in from LAST evening, as it is just “not done”. Weddings are NOT an exception – a smoking is NOT appropriate for a wedding – a cutaway and striped trousers are the only acceptable formal day wear.
Never wear a necktie in a pattern that is associated with a school or University that you did not attend.
Never, ever, EVER wear buttons with a crest or device that you are not entitled to (including military surplus).
If you are an adult and you wear short pants or a tweed suit or sandals in the city (Town) it is assumed that you are on your way to the “country” – because those articles of “relaxed” dress have no place in civilized society.
You always carry three (yep, 3!) clean and pressed WHITE handkerchiefs –and you name them – SHOW, BLOW and SNOW - one for SHOW (the breast pocket of your jacket), one for BLOW (left rear pocket, to catch the sneeze residue) and one for SNOW (right rear pocket, to pass to a lady when she is giving you the “I thought you liked me” tears (snow job)). As an aside, linen or cotton ONLY – the only silk a man wears is his pajamas and dressing gown – which, supposedly, no one but his wife and valet ever sees………………
Memorial Day weekend you broke out and donned the cotton drawers and undershirts (vests in our house). Labour Day weekend you broke out and donned the flannel drawers and undershirt (a one piece affair until I was 16). This had NOTHING to do with the weather – strictly date driven - didn’t matter that it was 40 degrees on June first or 75 degrees on October first – those be the RULES!
The absolute and only time black and brown can be worn together is if you are channeling Fredrick Worth and the Empress Eugenie. She carried it off in 1870, but it will NOT BE BORN in modern society.
Black and navy blue are NOT the same color and are not to be worn at the same time - this particularly applies to suits and leather goods (a bit of latitude was allowed ladies in this regard)
A gentleman NEVER wears diamonds. Not on shirt studs, not in a ring, not on his cigar(ette) case, and certainly NOT in his EAR
The only time/place a man can wear pearls is as shirt studs and never black, gray, or pink pearls.
Cufflinks and tie clasps (if you MUST) have to be discreet and tasteful – NO “gobs of garbage gold” or “slag heaps of silver” and with the exception of black onyx, NEVER a stone!
If that is a ring on your pinkie, it had better be an heirloom signet that you just haven’t had resized, because only “shifty” men wear pinky rings…………
The ONLY patent leather a man owns are his dancing pumps – strictly for wear with a “smoking” (tuxedo). Grosgrain ribbon bows optional.
Socks should cover the calf (as if showing shin was akin to a loss of virtue) and if they won’t stay up, get some suspenders. Surprisingly, socks was an area where a man could go all out color and pattern-wise, EXCEPT:
White socks were strictly verboten. Only allowed with tennis whites and boating flannels (where sockless was preferred). Note the reference to TENNIS WHITES – you couldn’t get on any court If dressed in any other colour…………….
Which brings us to trousers – first of all, if they have belt loops whether they droop or not, you MUST wear a belt (that matches your shoes) and if there are no belt loops and they tend to slip, braces (with or without the clip) are mandatory
Trousers should hang to the top of the sole/heel in the back and break just about 1” on the instep in front. And anything more than three quarters of one inch of cuff showing out of your jacket sleeve means that you are way over due at the haberdasher’s.
If, once you are dressed, you bend at the waist and you can feel your belt buckle nudging your belly, CHANGE – it is too large and ostentatious
A lady never worn earrings that dangled during the day – and NEVER hoops – commonly referred to as whorehoops (yep, one scandalous, depreciating word, usually spoken in a horrified whisper)
Young girls (pre-Debs) didn’t wear any jewelry except pearls and maybe an heirloom ring. Anything else was immodest and “new money ostentatious”
I am only familiar with the last two items because I was told to stay away from young ladies who did NOT abide by these rules………………took me a whole year to even find out what hoop earrings were – and another to find a girl wearing them……………..
Help!
Those hired to take care of you and do all the nasty things you hate to do are not the HELP. They are the SERVANTS! Plain and simple – unless you actually get down there and scrub along side Bridget, she is not HELPING you. She is SERVING you and doing a task on her own and SHE deserves the credit for it.
Only a woman can cook and only a man can serve it – Gram “kept” two footman – an almost matching pair – as well as a butler, because she would rather have starved than have a female serve table. (60 years later, I still have no idea why………….)
Stealing servants from someone else’s well run household is in very bad taste (unless you REALLY intend to double their salary as you promised when you lured them away………)
Cooks don’t clean, cleaners don’t cook and the Tweeny does whatever no one else will do. Period.
The Nanny /Governess is NOT a servant – she is also NOT part of the family. She just IS. Sort of like that faded old lady, a poor distant relative, that Gram allowed to sleep in the back bedroom on the 5th floor and called a “Companion” (note to posterity – even a “companion” couldn’t keep a Grande Dame such as Gram out of trouble……)
The doors into rooms in the house should open to face the nearest wall (opposite of they way they are designed today). That’s so when the “girl” stumbles in, she can not see what is happening in the room and there is time for you to tell her to skedaddle – you’re “occupied”……….(sure, she’s added up the dim lights, the giggling and the “don’t do that”s and come up with the correct sum, but does she have SEE it as well?)
If you are a guest in a fully staffed house: A) Lucky you!, B) They are not your servants – you don’t order them – you ask your hostess (only the host if there is no hostess) and let them resent HER over the extra work you are causing……………….
Tipping the servants is not only expected, it’s self-preserving – they tend to keep a running tally and communicate with each other - house to house, city to city, state to state, and in diplomatic circles, country to country – you forget to tip when you leave and at the next house party you go to you may have more than hot cocoa in that carafe on your night stand ……………big, slimy honking bits more………………..
The Social Niceties:
You never called a person by their given name until asked to do so – even school mates were referred to by their surnames. Titles such as Mr., Mrs., Master and Miss were mandatory. And married women didn’t have their own names – they were Mrs. Husband’sgivenname Husband’smiddleinitial Husband’ssurname. And if the husband was a doctor or an Excellency, etc. things got really complicated………
When responding to any invitation, you did it in writing and it was addressed to the hostess – never the host AND hostess. Even if someone was so crass as to invite you in name of both (except wedding invitations). Ditto the Thank You note (within 14 days MAX, more than 6 words, and legible, thank you very much).
Never, ever, EVER show up at a social gathering with a gift of food or wine – do you think they are too poor or too ignorant to entertain you properly? Of course there is no stricture against sending a good vintage and a bit of something scrumptious in advance (so you KNOW that there will be something satisfying in case they ARE too poor or too ignorant to entertain you properly!) Flowers should be sent well in advance (pity the poor hostess that fields six bouquets in one evening – no time to arrange them with a house full of guests so they languish in the staff bathroom toilet or some such place)
Yes, we know that you don’t like the look of smoked eels in aspic, but there is NO NEED to tell the assembled table what you think it REALLY looks like. Shut up, swallow your gorge, and try to shove it under the lettuce so you don’t have to look at it while the others are smacking their lips over it.
Two things about asparagus – 1) they are NOT a finger food. 2) The toast on which they are served is NOT for consumption – yeah, it did its job of soaking up any juice – but as tasty as that looks, don’t take it off the serving dish!
Chicken (or any other fowl) is not a finger food – unless it is deep fried – and if your hostess is serving fried chicken, you had better be at the beach…………….
Its not nice (and not fair) to ignore that red-nosed, dumpy girl on your left who hasn’t made her debut yet when the hostess turns the table. TALK TO HER – even if it is about her school hockey team…………..
If the serving staff turns your wine glass bottoms-up, do NOT regal the crowd with tales of how much you can consume. Assume that you have been making an ass of yourself and shut the hell up……
When invited to an At Home – don’t RSVP – just GO. Even if you have no intention of staying, you MUST go and at least leave your card (that counts as having attended. Yea!)
Calling cards – oye vey!
If you called (you know, rang the bell and talked to SOMEONE), you presented a card to the person at the door unless it was the hostess.
If you visited and stayed for a bit, you slipped one on the hall table on the way out.
If you called and were not received (perfectly acceptable for someone to be NOT at HOME when you called unexpectedly) you left a card for the hostess. If there was a Mr. in the house, and you were a male, you also left a card for him. And a card for any OTHER male in the house your age or older (we were seven boys – men hated to call at our house – they had to stop at the printer on the way home to replenish!). IF you were on familiar enough terms with any young lady in the house, you could leave a card for her, but you crossed out your name and then hand wrote it underneath (I have no idea why, so don’t ask…)
If you called on someone with the intention of simply calling and not really seeing them (commonly termed Leaving Your Card or Paying your Compliments), you left the cards as noted above, BUT you folded down the upper right hand corner. If it were a condolence call, substitute the upper LEFT hand corner.
Knowing all that was complicated enough – but when faced with the card tray FULL of cards from only 3 people, you were supposed to be savvy enough to figure out who each card was intended for! Writing instructions on each was sort of frowned upon…………
All of that said, there was one cardinal rule of good manners when I was growing up. That was “Do Nothing That Will Make Others Feel Uncomfortable”. If your hosts are calling each other by four letter names and eating chocolate cake with their fingers, while dressed in madras boxer shorts, dust off your vocabulary, drop your trousers and dig in! The only thing worse than a snobbish, self-righteous prig, is BEING a snobbish, self-righteous prig…………………..
Regarding the fairer, weaker, gentler sex:
Sure, a gentleman holds the door for a lady and allows her to proceed him EXCEPT!
When the room is dark, he goes first (not because she might get lost or stumble – but because of what MIGHT be happening in that dark room!)
When a revolving door is involved, he goes first to get things moving (the assumption being she is too fragile to push that heavy door!).
When entering an empty elevator he enters first, in theory giving her the option of waiting so she won’t be alone with him (who knows, he may be a “masher”)
When exiting a vehicle, he goes first to assist her in alighting (i.e. if there is heavy pedestrian traffic, HE gets knocked on his situpon first).
When walking on a sidewalk the gentleman always walks on her right and always walks closest to the curb (this can be tricky – you have to PLAN the route you take – it can involve crossing MANY corners)
You never call a lady by her given name until she gives you permission (relatives unto the 2nd degree are the exception).
One never, ever, EVER calls a lady by her given name in public (even your sister!). She is called Miss XXXX or Mrs. YYYY – The theory being that those with evil intentions would overhear and thus know her name (as if just knowing the surname would stymie them in tracking her down?)
If related to a lady with a title (Countess, Dame, etc.) you never refer to her by her title when speaking of her to others – use the Miss or Mrs. form (Lord knows that IF you are related to a titled lady, you don’t have to be a snob about it)
Yes, there was a reason for men to wear white gloves at formal dances – have you ever seen a young lady in a white silk dress with sweaty palm prints all over her back? Not Deb of the Year material…………
Of Buttons & Bows and Sartorial Splendor:
If you are on the street in a dinner jacket BEFORE 6:00 in the evening it is assumed that you are just coming in from LAST evening, as it is just “not done”. Weddings are NOT an exception – a smoking is NOT appropriate for a wedding – a cutaway and striped trousers are the only acceptable formal day wear.
Never wear a necktie in a pattern that is associated with a school or University that you did not attend.
Never, ever, EVER wear buttons with a crest or device that you are not entitled to (including military surplus).
If you are an adult and you wear short pants or a tweed suit or sandals in the city (Town) it is assumed that you are on your way to the “country” – because those articles of “relaxed” dress have no place in civilized society.
You always carry three (yep, 3!) clean and pressed WHITE handkerchiefs –and you name them – SHOW, BLOW and SNOW - one for SHOW (the breast pocket of your jacket), one for BLOW (left rear pocket, to catch the sneeze residue) and one for SNOW (right rear pocket, to pass to a lady when she is giving you the “I thought you liked me” tears (snow job)). As an aside, linen or cotton ONLY – the only silk a man wears is his pajamas and dressing gown – which, supposedly, no one but his wife and valet ever sees………………
Memorial Day weekend you broke out and donned the cotton drawers and undershirts (vests in our house). Labour Day weekend you broke out and donned the flannel drawers and undershirt (a one piece affair until I was 16). This had NOTHING to do with the weather – strictly date driven - didn’t matter that it was 40 degrees on June first or 75 degrees on October first – those be the RULES!
The absolute and only time black and brown can be worn together is if you are channeling Fredrick Worth and the Empress Eugenie. She carried it off in 1870, but it will NOT BE BORN in modern society.
Black and navy blue are NOT the same color and are not to be worn at the same time - this particularly applies to suits and leather goods (a bit of latitude was allowed ladies in this regard)
A gentleman NEVER wears diamonds. Not on shirt studs, not in a ring, not on his cigar(ette) case, and certainly NOT in his EAR
The only time/place a man can wear pearls is as shirt studs and never black, gray, or pink pearls.
Cufflinks and tie clasps (if you MUST) have to be discreet and tasteful – NO “gobs of garbage gold” or “slag heaps of silver” and with the exception of black onyx, NEVER a stone!
If that is a ring on your pinkie, it had better be an heirloom signet that you just haven’t had resized, because only “shifty” men wear pinky rings…………
The ONLY patent leather a man owns are his dancing pumps – strictly for wear with a “smoking” (tuxedo). Grosgrain ribbon bows optional.
Socks should cover the calf (as if showing shin was akin to a loss of virtue) and if they won’t stay up, get some suspenders. Surprisingly, socks was an area where a man could go all out color and pattern-wise, EXCEPT:
White socks were strictly verboten. Only allowed with tennis whites and boating flannels (where sockless was preferred). Note the reference to TENNIS WHITES – you couldn’t get on any court If dressed in any other colour…………….
Which brings us to trousers – first of all, if they have belt loops whether they droop or not, you MUST wear a belt (that matches your shoes) and if there are no belt loops and they tend to slip, braces (with or without the clip) are mandatory
Trousers should hang to the top of the sole/heel in the back and break just about 1” on the instep in front. And anything more than three quarters of one inch of cuff showing out of your jacket sleeve means that you are way over due at the haberdasher’s.
If, once you are dressed, you bend at the waist and you can feel your belt buckle nudging your belly, CHANGE – it is too large and ostentatious
A lady never worn earrings that dangled during the day – and NEVER hoops – commonly referred to as whorehoops (yep, one scandalous, depreciating word, usually spoken in a horrified whisper)
Young girls (pre-Debs) didn’t wear any jewelry except pearls and maybe an heirloom ring. Anything else was immodest and “new money ostentatious”
I am only familiar with the last two items because I was told to stay away from young ladies who did NOT abide by these rules………………took me a whole year to even find out what hoop earrings were – and another to find a girl wearing them……………..
Help!
Those hired to take care of you and do all the nasty things you hate to do are not the HELP. They are the SERVANTS! Plain and simple – unless you actually get down there and scrub along side Bridget, she is not HELPING you. She is SERVING you and doing a task on her own and SHE deserves the credit for it.
Only a woman can cook and only a man can serve it – Gram “kept” two footman – an almost matching pair – as well as a butler, because she would rather have starved than have a female serve table. (60 years later, I still have no idea why………….)
Stealing servants from someone else’s well run household is in very bad taste (unless you REALLY intend to double their salary as you promised when you lured them away………)
Cooks don’t clean, cleaners don’t cook and the Tweeny does whatever no one else will do. Period.
The Nanny /Governess is NOT a servant – she is also NOT part of the family. She just IS. Sort of like that faded old lady, a poor distant relative, that Gram allowed to sleep in the back bedroom on the 5th floor and called a “Companion” (note to posterity – even a “companion” couldn’t keep a Grande Dame such as Gram out of trouble……)
The doors into rooms in the house should open to face the nearest wall (opposite of they way they are designed today). That’s so when the “girl” stumbles in, she can not see what is happening in the room and there is time for you to tell her to skedaddle – you’re “occupied”……….(sure, she’s added up the dim lights, the giggling and the “don’t do that”s and come up with the correct sum, but does she have SEE it as well?)
If you are a guest in a fully staffed house: A) Lucky you!, B) They are not your servants – you don’t order them – you ask your hostess (only the host if there is no hostess) and let them resent HER over the extra work you are causing……………….
Tipping the servants is not only expected, it’s self-preserving – they tend to keep a running tally and communicate with each other - house to house, city to city, state to state, and in diplomatic circles, country to country – you forget to tip when you leave and at the next house party you go to you may have more than hot cocoa in that carafe on your night stand ……………big, slimy honking bits more………………..
The Social Niceties:
You never called a person by their given name until asked to do so – even school mates were referred to by their surnames. Titles such as Mr., Mrs., Master and Miss were mandatory. And married women didn’t have their own names – they were Mrs. Husband’sgivenname Husband’smiddleinitial Husband’ssurname. And if the husband was a doctor or an Excellency, etc. things got really complicated………
When responding to any invitation, you did it in writing and it was addressed to the hostess – never the host AND hostess. Even if someone was so crass as to invite you in name of both (except wedding invitations). Ditto the Thank You note (within 14 days MAX, more than 6 words, and legible, thank you very much).
Never, ever, EVER show up at a social gathering with a gift of food or wine – do you think they are too poor or too ignorant to entertain you properly? Of course there is no stricture against sending a good vintage and a bit of something scrumptious in advance (so you KNOW that there will be something satisfying in case they ARE too poor or too ignorant to entertain you properly!) Flowers should be sent well in advance (pity the poor hostess that fields six bouquets in one evening – no time to arrange them with a house full of guests so they languish in the staff bathroom toilet or some such place)
Yes, we know that you don’t like the look of smoked eels in aspic, but there is NO NEED to tell the assembled table what you think it REALLY looks like. Shut up, swallow your gorge, and try to shove it under the lettuce so you don’t have to look at it while the others are smacking their lips over it.
Two things about asparagus – 1) they are NOT a finger food. 2) The toast on which they are served is NOT for consumption – yeah, it did its job of soaking up any juice – but as tasty as that looks, don’t take it off the serving dish!
Chicken (or any other fowl) is not a finger food – unless it is deep fried – and if your hostess is serving fried chicken, you had better be at the beach…………….
Its not nice (and not fair) to ignore that red-nosed, dumpy girl on your left who hasn’t made her debut yet when the hostess turns the table. TALK TO HER – even if it is about her school hockey team…………..
If the serving staff turns your wine glass bottoms-up, do NOT regal the crowd with tales of how much you can consume. Assume that you have been making an ass of yourself and shut the hell up……
When invited to an At Home – don’t RSVP – just GO. Even if you have no intention of staying, you MUST go and at least leave your card (that counts as having attended. Yea!)
Calling cards – oye vey!
If you called (you know, rang the bell and talked to SOMEONE), you presented a card to the person at the door unless it was the hostess.
If you visited and stayed for a bit, you slipped one on the hall table on the way out.
If you called and were not received (perfectly acceptable for someone to be NOT at HOME when you called unexpectedly) you left a card for the hostess. If there was a Mr. in the house, and you were a male, you also left a card for him. And a card for any OTHER male in the house your age or older (we were seven boys – men hated to call at our house – they had to stop at the printer on the way home to replenish!). IF you were on familiar enough terms with any young lady in the house, you could leave a card for her, but you crossed out your name and then hand wrote it underneath (I have no idea why, so don’t ask…)
If you called on someone with the intention of simply calling and not really seeing them (commonly termed Leaving Your Card or Paying your Compliments), you left the cards as noted above, BUT you folded down the upper right hand corner. If it were a condolence call, substitute the upper LEFT hand corner.
Knowing all that was complicated enough – but when faced with the card tray FULL of cards from only 3 people, you were supposed to be savvy enough to figure out who each card was intended for! Writing instructions on each was sort of frowned upon…………
All of that said, there was one cardinal rule of good manners when I was growing up. That was “Do Nothing That Will Make Others Feel Uncomfortable”. If your hosts are calling each other by four letter names and eating chocolate cake with their fingers, while dressed in madras boxer shorts, dust off your vocabulary, drop your trousers and dig in! The only thing worse than a snobbish, self-righteous prig, is BEING a snobbish, self-righteous prig…………………..